Basically, you find you're accomplishing impossible, superhuman feats on the daily when here you thought you were just dating someone who happens to have kids— hm, kids. Good news: hard is not the same thing as impossible. Just don't waltz in thinking this whole dating-with-kids thing will be a breeze.

You'll end up flat on your ass not knowing what hit you. I am a total kid person. I have always loved kids, and they have always loved me. Strangers' toddlers wander over to me, hands outstretched, eyes wide. Babies stop crying when I pick them up.

At family parties, I still prefer sitting at the kid table. So dating a guy with a kid didn't seem like that big a deal to me, especially since I already had a kid of my own. Literally not even one tiny smidge of me worried about not getting along with his kid. But HOO BOY did my stepdaughter hate me.

With the passion of a thousand fiery suns, with all the fury her little 7-year-old body could muster, she made it clear that she DID NOT LIKE ME and WOULD NEVER LIKE ME. She was so grouchy about me being around she was practically a caricature. And at first I figured her cold shoulder was normal and expected and didn't let her attitude get to me, assuming it'd pass with time.

Only after I'd been around a year or two and her animosity showed no signs of letting up— the opposite, actually— did I start looking for answers why. So many resources for new stepmoms and stepdads out there are written as if all incoming stepparents are childless morons who have never interacted with any humans younger than legal adulthood, have never observed a child in its natural habitat, and don't know the first thing about kids.

Which may lead you to falsely believe that any stepparents who don't get along with their stepkids are just clueless about kids in general and that's the whole problem. Like any stepparent who didn't immediately fall head over heels for their stepkid must just not like kids that much. Read: there's something wrong with you, obviously.

And vice versa, if your stepkid doesn't like you, you're clearly not trying hard enough. Read: yep, you're still the problem here. But for a kid person such as myself, surely my transition into becoming a stepparent would be way easier. For a kid person, then the stepparent-stepkid relationship would totally gel.

If you like kids, then yes, you have one less hurdle to overcome. But one less hurdle out of a bajillion or so ain't much of a head start. There is not anything you're doing wrong or could be doing differently to win the kids over when dating their parent; them warming up to you is just a process that takes time.

There are no shortcuts that will force the kids to like you. You just gotta hang in there and put in the time. If you were just dating someone with kids and that single element— the mere presence of tiny humans— were the only wild card, becoming a stepparent would be way easier.

But there's sooooo much more to dating someone with kids than trading in candlelit dinners for play dates:. Your time with your new partner is restricted by their time with their kids. How long should you wait to meet your partner's kid anyway?

You don't want to wait so long that everyone gets performance anxiety, but you also don't want to get too close too quickly.

Also, are you emotionally scarring your partner's child if you hold hands in front of them? What about kissing? Is kissing okay?

Changing your grownup plans due to kid stuff like someone getting homesick while at a sleepover and needing immediate picking up. Ruined couple plans or family plans due to last-minute visitation schedule changes, maybe frequently. Half-assed dates like "Let's go to my kid's soccer game and grab pizza on the way home" which sounds kinda fun and cute and family-like but in reality ends up as you sitting on the sidelines being totally ignored by everyone from the soccer coach to your partner.

Calls or texts at awkward times from your partner's ex, which are hopefully only kid-related but maybe sometimes they aren't and you don't always know which and you feel weird asking. Your own unrealistic expectations about blended family life , your stepkid's behavior toward you and your partner's willingness or lack thereof to be your advocate. Your partner's unrealistic expectations about the role or lack thereof you'll play in your stepkid's life, about how involved you'll be or not be, about what counts as overstepping vs.

what counts as not being involved enough. How supportive your family and friends are about you dating someone with kids, including how much well-meaning but crap advice you'll have to ignore. The degree to which you're willing to let go of your personal vision for the family you hoped to have someday and the future you envisioned for yourself. To sum up: dating someone with kids is about WAY more than just the kids.

You can't separate the kids from everything that connects those kids to your partner—custody schedules, extracurricular activities, the other parent, general kid and parenting stuff, financial obligations, endless driving kids around to here or there.

Focus on flexibility and keep yourself open to changes happening — because happen they will, and more often than you probably expect. I don't think any pre-stepparent with half a brain thinks their future stepkids will fall in love with them overnight. Sure, there'll be a bit of a warming up period. Some shyness. Some reluctance. But they'll come around once they get to know you, right? I was totally fine with my SD's initial hesitance around me.

But I started feeling less fine as weeks turned into months and then into years. And not years of mere shy reluctance, no no no. Years of committed rejection, palpable hatred, active sabotage. Years of me crying, wondering what I was doing wrong, wondering if we would ever have a relationship that could remotely be considered positive.

Most kids don't want to get to know whoever their parent is dating. They'll actively resist getting to know you. And again, not just the first few times you meet— for weeks, months, even years.

Dan and I been together nearly 4 years by the time we got married. At our wedding, out of hundreds of photos taken, I have exactly 2 where my stepdaughter is smiling. And if you'd told me at that time I was only at the halfway point— that we still had a few more years to go before my SD stopped treating me like a leper— I probably wouldn't have smiled in more than 2 of those photos either.

Yet a year later, my SD wrote a school paper on how beautiful the wedding was, what an important and exciting day in her life. These are the kinds of glimpses you catch that these kids' emotions are conflicted and barriers are dissolving. It was those few and far between moments of hope that helped me rally, haul myself up, and keep going. Dating someone with kids is a mixed bag.

There's what's happening on the surface, but then there's all the churning complicated currents reaching for miles and miles down below. Becoming a stepparent is the emotional equivalent of the Mariana Trench; there's no "Oh I'll just dip my toes in real quick. Building this relationship will take years, not months. Remember that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average. On average.

In a high-conflict situation, up to a decade or more. If you are in this, you are in for the long haul, so remember to pace yourself. Don't take every small rejection to heart. Your presence matters. Your contributions matter. Even if it takes years to see it.

Only after I'd been dating Dan for somewhere like 2 or 3 years flying totally blind and feeling pretty miserable the entire time did it finally occur to me that maybe there were some kind of stepmom resources I could look into that would help me figure out what I was doing wrong. Back in those days, there was nothing helpful online except a couple dusty, toxic forums. I hit the library and found a WHOLE ENTIRE BOOK on dating a guy with kids. There were a couple books on being a stepmom sitting next to that, and I grabbed those too just because.

I read all of them within the week, called my mom all excited that it wasn't just me— that everything I was going through was NORMAL and I wasn't the worst woman on the planet for having such mixed feelings about being a stepmom well, pre-stepmom , that me not getting along with my future stepdaughter was typical, that my kid and his kid not getting along was also typical, that all the incredibly complex and contradictory emotions I cycled through roughly every 12 seconds was totally standard.

Her response? But remember, you're NOT a stepmom. I'm NOT a stepmom! I'm not married to this guy or his kid or his problems with his ex. I don't have to put in the time or effort to figure out this whole mess! Sometimes I wonder just how much that fake epiphany set me back.

Because that was one of those moments where you get what seems like good advice from the outside— don't get more involved than you need to be as in: until you have to be, aka you're married — but when you're on the inside, it's not that simple. I couldn't spend time with Dan without spending time with his daughter. I mean I could, but what would be the point?

I was dating a guy who had a kid. She was part of his life, so if I also wanted to be part of his life, then our lives— my future SD's and mine— would intertwine. Plus, what was the alternative? Wait until we were officially married before putting in the effort to truly connect with my boyfriend's daughter?

Dan didn't believe in marriage; I might never technically be a stepmom, so that left me… where, exactly? Plus, I also had a kid. Weren't we working together toward building a family? Was I supposed to wait until legal marriage before we started that process? You're in or you're out. Sure, some logistics are different when just dating someone with kids as opposed to officially married or cohabiting stepparents— not sharing a household, not sharing finances— but the stepkid-stepparent dynamic?

It's the same. The emotional obstacles, the challenges, the guilt, the frustration, the wondering where you fit in? Yep, all the same. Whatever title you give yourself— Dad's girlfriend, Mom's boyfriend, pre-stepparent, stepparent-in-training— if you're feeling lost, start looking at resources for stepmoms and stepdads. Or at least it'll apply well enough to help you feel less alone, and that's all that matters if you're hitting the overwhelm point.

In kid-free relationships, there's you and there's your new partner and that's it. But when you're dating someone with kids, you are getting to know that someone and you are getting to know their kids. There's a whole separate relationship there you have to work out. Just like starting a relationship with another adult, becoming a stepparent includes a similar element of two people feeling each other out, learning likes and dislikes, learning the ways you click and the ways you clash, and putting all that stuff together in your head to figure out if you have a viable future.

And because kids are kids and they haven't gone through dating themselves yet, they don't understand how relationships work. Kids don't understand your role in their life you probably don't know yourself what your stepparenting role is , they don't want their life to change and they worry you might change it, and they don't want you taking any of their parent's attention away from them.

And they can't articulate any of this; they just know it all adds up to not feeling real thrilled there's a prospective stepparent in the picture. Which is where your partner's advocacy can go a long way toward smoothing things over. As parents, it's our job to help our kids figure out the world, even when faced with questions we don't know the answers to ourselves.

Without the constant reassurance and guidance from their parent, stepkids are left to navigate their emotions alone. Emotions they don't understand, emotions that are more complex than children can even identify, let alone process.

In a high-conflict situation, your future stepkids' emotions may also be manipulated by their other parent. Your partner is the connection between you and their kid. If they're not acting as a bridge, then they're making the process of connecting that much harder. So please do feel free to play this video for them. From the majority of my dating experiences, I have been made aware of a man's children by the 1st date, if not before, which for a women with no children, but open to my future partner already having children, this time frame is comfortable for me.

For those who are not open to their partner already having children, the consensuses is they would like to be made aware of children before date 1, to save any time wasted. Recently I didn't find out about a man's children until after 5 dates and one 2 hour long phone conversation. This left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

I felt foolish and lied to. It was unfortunate, because he and I had an amazing connection, and if told sooner, I would have been totally on board with his children, in fact, elated.

I understand why he didn't want to tell me, he felt that if I found out about his children, I wouldn't want him. That may have been true but that would be my decision. Waiting longer to tell someone who doesn't want a partner with kids, won't change their mind, it means you may end up with a partner who could hold resentment towards you children!

Sign up for tips and stories from parents who get it. By entering your email and clicking the Enroll Now button, you agree to receive marketing emails from ParentCo. and its affiliates and agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Inspiration Learning and Development Parenthood Playtime Pregnancy Wellbeing. View All Inspiration Learning Parenthood Playtime Pregnancy Product Reviews Wellbeing. Tweet Share Pin It Email. Also in Conversations. That means providing the happiest, healthiest, and safest environment for your little one to grow up in.

Whether you love kids or can't stand them, whether you're already a parent or you're childfree, dating someone with kids is hard. Disproportionately, mystifyingly, unbelievably hard. There's a bunch of reasons for this. Trying to fit romance in around a schedule that's at least twice as chaotic as other people's. Exponentially increased potential for stress and drama.

That whole "kids come first" thing creating abominable snowmonsters where there once were special little snowflakes. No one having respect for their damn elders anymore.

Even if your new partner gets along cheerfully with their ex, even if your future stepkids are an absolute delight, even under the most ideal circumstances possible, there's a million more balls to juggle when dating someone with kids compared to regular dating. And of course, the percentage of stepparents-in-training who are dating under ideal circumstances is some teensy fraction of an even smaller percent.

Life is already complicated. You've got work or school, a busy social life, bills, cleaning out the litter box, not forgetting to pick up spaghetti sauce on your way home… Adding a typical relationship in there somewhere can feel like a bit of a tight squeeze.

Then when you're dating someone with kids, you need to make room not just for your new partner's schedule, but their kids' schedules and personalities as well. And if your new partner is in a high-conflict co-parenting situation , plan for at least triple the usual mental space a relationship might normally take up in your head.

Because dating someone with kids is intense, consider carefully before getting serious about this person — and know that really there are no non-serious relationships when kids are involved.

Know too that successfully blending a family takes a long time— 5 to 7 years on average, and even up to 10 years. I quote this statistic a lot , because it's such an objective reminder that you are not just dating; you are committing. Committing in a way that you've never committed, getting involved in a situation that could shatter you in ways you never knew you were vulnerable.

Yet— the rewards are sweeter for being fewer and further between, and for being harder won. No one except you can answer the question of whether you should date someone with kids. Whether you're ready to be a stepparent, whether you'll be a good one, if you should cut loose and look for a less complicated relationship elsewhere. Only you know your strengths and your limits. If you are positive, on a planet of some 7 billion souls, that you have found your Person, and that guy or gal just happens to have a rugrat or two, then you're in this.

Buckle up and hang on. These tips can help you avoid some of the most common pitfalls that could trip you up. I know we just talked about this, but really I can't stress it enough: dating someone with kids is hard. Really hard. I mean… really, really, really hard.

And not in the ways you'd expect; in totally different ways. Better ways! More exasperating, exhausting, complex ways! You'll feel powerless over the crap you cannot change— which is pretty much everything. You'll feel like your partner's kids don't want you around— and you'll be right. You'll wonder what you're even doing hanging out with people who so clearly want nothing to do with you. You'll feel compelled to defend your choices to absolutely everyone from your mom to your partner's ex to strangers on the street.

I had nothing to do with their upbringing! You need to give your pre-stepkids space, but not so much that it seems like you don't care. You need to be involved, but not so much that you're overstepping. You need to be realistic about the role you're taking on as a stepparent, yet idealistic enough to keep on truckin' when the road gets dicey.

You're helping your partner parent, but you're not parenting yourself. You're turning all your personal preconceptions about what being a stepparent means upside down, redefining the role till it makes sense to you— because there is no one right way to stepparent; there's only the way that works for you and the blended family you're trying to create.

Basically, you find you're accomplishing impossible, superhuman feats on the daily when here you thought you were just dating someone who happens to have kids— hm, kids. Good news: hard is not the same thing as impossible. Just don't waltz in thinking this whole dating-with-kids thing will be a breeze. You'll end up flat on your ass not knowing what hit you. I am a total kid person.

I have always loved kids, and they have always loved me. Strangers' toddlers wander over to me, hands outstretched, eyes wide. Babies stop crying when I pick them up. At family parties, I still prefer sitting at the kid table. So dating a guy with a kid didn't seem like that big a deal to me, especially since I already had a kid of my own. Literally not even one tiny smidge of me worried about not getting along with his kid.

But HOO BOY did my stepdaughter hate me. With the passion of a thousand fiery suns, with all the fury her little 7-year-old body could muster, she made it clear that she DID NOT LIKE ME and WOULD NEVER LIKE ME. She was so grouchy about me being around she was practically a caricature.

And at first I figured her cold shoulder was normal and expected and didn't let her attitude get to me, assuming it'd pass with time. Only after I'd been around a year or two and her animosity showed no signs of letting up— the opposite, actually— did I start looking for answers why. So many resources for new stepmoms and stepdads out there are written as if all incoming stepparents are childless morons who have never interacted with any humans younger than legal adulthood, have never observed a child in its natural habitat, and don't know the first thing about kids.

Which may lead you to falsely believe that any stepparents who don't get along with their stepkids are just clueless about kids in general and that's the whole problem. Like any stepparent who didn't immediately fall head over heels for their stepkid must just not like kids that much. Read: there's something wrong with you, obviously. And vice versa, if your stepkid doesn't like you, you're clearly not trying hard enough.

Read: yep, you're still the problem here. But for a kid person such as myself, surely my transition into becoming a stepparent would be way easier. For a kid person, then the stepparent-stepkid relationship would totally gel. If you like kids, then yes, you have one less hurdle to overcome. But one less hurdle out of a bajillion or so ain't much of a head start. There is not anything you're doing wrong or could be doing differently to win the kids over when dating their parent; them warming up to you is just a process that takes time.

There are no shortcuts that will force the kids to like you. You just gotta hang in there and put in the time. If you were just dating someone with kids and that single element— the mere presence of tiny humans— were the only wild card, becoming a stepparent would be way easier. But there's sooooo much more to dating someone with kids than trading in candlelit dinners for play dates:.

Your time with your new partner is restricted by their time with their kids. How long should you wait to meet your partner's kid anyway? You don't want to wait so long that everyone gets performance anxiety, but you also don't want to get too close too quickly. Also, are you emotionally scarring your partner's child if you hold hands in front of them? What about kissing?

Is kissing okay? Changing your grownup plans due to kid stuff like someone getting homesick while at a sleepover and needing immediate picking up. Ruined couple plans or family plans due to last-minute visitation schedule changes, maybe frequently. Half-assed dates like "Let's go to my kid's soccer game and grab pizza on the way home" which sounds kinda fun and cute and family-like but in reality ends up as you sitting on the sidelines being totally ignored by everyone from the soccer coach to your partner.

Calls or texts at awkward times from your partner's ex, which are hopefully only kid-related but maybe sometimes they aren't and you don't always know which and you feel weird asking. Your own unrealistic expectations about blended family life , your stepkid's behavior toward you and your partner's willingness or lack thereof to be your advocate. Your partner's unrealistic expectations about the role or lack thereof you'll play in your stepkid's life, about how involved you'll be or not be, about what counts as overstepping vs.

what counts as not being involved enough. How supportive your family and friends are about you dating someone with kids, including how much well-meaning but crap advice you'll have to ignore. The degree to which you're willing to let go of your personal vision for the family you hoped to have someday and the future you envisioned for yourself. To sum up: dating someone with kids is about WAY more than just the kids. You can't separate the kids from everything that connects those kids to your partner—custody schedules, extracurricular activities, the other parent, general kid and parenting stuff, financial obligations, endless driving kids around to here or there.

Focus on flexibility and keep yourself open to changes happening — because happen they will, and more often than you probably expect. I don't think any pre-stepparent with half a brain thinks their future stepkids will fall in love with them overnight. Sure, there'll be a bit of a warming up period. Some shyness. Some reluctance. But they'll come around once they get to know you, right?

I was totally fine with my SD's initial hesitance around me. But I started feeling less fine as weeks turned into months and then into years. And not years of mere shy reluctance, no no no. Years of committed rejection, palpable hatred, active sabotage. Years of me crying, wondering what I was doing wrong, wondering if we would ever have a relationship that could remotely be considered positive.

All rights reserved. Changing your grownup plans due to kid stuff like someone getting homesick while at a sleepover and needing immediate picking up. But don't get so wound about making everyone happy— about making sure everything is perfect and everyone gets along— that you end up feeling stiff, stifled, and resentful. I don't have to put in the time or effort to figure out this whole mess! How long should you wait to meet your partner's kid anyway?

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